Parental advisory

Accept it or not, regular tussles at home with your spouse do affect the psyche of your child. Here's how to avoid those petty conflicts

Quarelling in front of your kids is nothing short of abuse. While fighting and making up is all part of marriage, parents often forget their children's presence while being in the battle. They are so intent on shouting down their spouses, making their respective points and saying hurtful things that they overlook the fact that the fight does not affect just the two of them but also their children.

FIGHTS CAN LEAD TO…
Parental fights can create a lot of negativity in children. Children tend to become:
• Clingy and insecure
• Develop low self-esteem
• Lost and feel a lack of belongingness
• Guilty and shameful
• Impulsive
• Helpless
• Exhibit aggressive behaviour
• Yell at their own kids later
• Feel fearful and unsure of the future
• Embarrassed to bring friends over.

Drawing the battle lines
Before you start screaming at your husband about having lost a tidy pile on the stock market or arguing with your wife about how she doesn't show enough respect to your parents, stop and think that your children are likely to be the spellbound audience to your little family drama. And it will be disturbing rather than entertaining for them.
However, this does not mean that parents do not have the right to fight or argue just because they are parents. It is just that they will have to learn to express their anger and communicate their frustration in private and in ways that do not affect their children adversely. 

The parent's manual to a 'good' fight
Disagreements are going to occur in a marriage. But the way you solve it will hold your relationship with your children in good stead. Here is a guide on what you must do to avoid petty fights and resolve conflicts:

• Put yourself in your children's shoes. Would you like to be a spectator to your fights?

• Turn around and walk away if you think you'll have a hard time dealing with your urge to fight. Recognise that when you don't walk away, you are attacking your kids, putting your need to explode ahead of their well-being and peace of mind

• After you walk away, write down everything you're thinking and feeling, so you can deal with it later and discuss — when the kids aren't around

• Counting to ten is a tried and tested method of dealing with anger. Try not to argue when you're seeing red. Take time to cool off before discussing your problems

• When it comes to fighting between partners, it doesn't work to fight fire with fire. Name-calling and door-slamming will only aggravate the fight

• Decide on a visual cue with your spouse — holding up a card, for instance — to signal that a fight is starting and it's time to nip it in the bud

• Try to analyse what the real issue is. Try not to focus on laying blame and trying to make your spouse grovel and see the error of his or her ways

• If you have issues to resolve with your spouse try to wait till your children are asleep or go into another room to have your argument. If you've had a massive argument in front of your children, make it a point to let them know that they are not to blame and that sometimes parents do fight, but it does not mean that they love each other or their children any less

• Explain to them that losing your temper was a mistake and that you may have said many things you didn't mean just because you were angry

• If you're going to have a discussion, take it somewhere private and conduct it hand-in-hand with your mate. Deal with your partner closely and personally  

• Express your needs to your partner. Be articulate and state what you need plainly and specifically

• Work out the problem. Cooperation, not competition, is the idea here, so take some time to calm down before finding a solution to the issue